Sex Drive Differential

Dear Grandma Sex,

My girlfriend and I have not had sex since December...she claims being sick, her period and everything else. She is 37 years old and I am 26...am I ugly? Or does she just want me to break up with her?
I love her and I think she loves me...what do I do? I need sex to stabilize a relationship as well need sex to show affection as well my infinite love for her?


Am I foolish and hopeless?


Dear NOT foolish and hopeless,

Thanks for writing and I am sorry to hear of your troubles. Without knowing all of the details, I can't tell you what to do, but there are a few things I will suggest that may help you.

First, I know it is hard, but don't equate sex with acceptance. Many couples go through low sexual times, but letting that make you feel bad about yourself will only make things worse. What you are feeling is a need for reassurance, which is normal, but if the only way you feel reassured is sex, that can cause conflict with a partner who is not feeling sexy. Then she feels inadequate and everyone is defensive and upset. Try to find other ways to connect besides sex. Share activites, talk about what is going on in her/your life, make dinner, just enjoy each other with your clothes on. It will take the pressure off the need for sex and then sex is more likely to come naturally.

Second, understand that women (and men) go through cycles of sexual desire. Sometimes the horny hormones just aren't flowing and stress or illness or self doubt can lower one's sex drive. Reducing the stress or other concerns may help, but sometimes couples need to be patient with each other. One hint is to try extra to make her feel good about herself. Don't say "I would love you no matter what you look like" (sounds nice at first, but kinda makes a girl feel ugly). Just tell her the things you love about her, both physical and mental. Women are more horny when the feel smart and pretty.

And lastly, take care of your own sexual tension. That's right, masturbate. God put the penis in arms reach for a reason. And men may have a more frequent need for sexual release than their partners. But that is not the woman's job to take care of any more than it is her job to brush your teeth or wipe your ass. So take care of yourself, especially before you spend time with her, and I bet that taking the pressure off the whole situation will lead to some good lovin'.

Thanks for writing sweetie.

Best Wishes,
Grandma Sex